If you’ve ever turned down a slice of cake in the office, there’s a good chance you’ve heard something like “…one slice won’t hurt”, “you’re so good” or “you don’t need to diet?” – Who said anything about a diet?

And if you go back for seconds at the hotel buffet breakfast, it’s the “…treating yourself?” or “…enjoying your holiday then?” – I have room for my continental, and my cooked breakfast thank you!

Does nobody get to just eat anymore?

Food has never been just fuel.

Food creates a symbol for trust and belonging. Across human history, food has been gathered, prepared and eaten in groups, and this hasn’t entirely gone away. People who eat the same food as one another are more likely to trust each other and cooperated better in group tasks. “Breaking bread together” is a sign of peace.

So, when someone declines a slice of cake, orders something different, or brings their own meal to a team lunch, it can register as ‘opting-out’ of the group. It’s not that the group feels consciously rejected, but it can cause feelings of discomfort which leads to snide remarks or jokes about the different choice.

We are also strongly influenced by what others around us eat. Social modelling of food intake is a really robust effect in eating behaviour - we tend to match both the type and amount of food eaten by the people we’re with. When one person eats differently, not only do they stand out, but the action subtly challenges everyone else’s choices too.

Giving food morality.

Over more recent years, we’ve begun attaching moral weight to food. We’ve labelled foods as ‘good’, ‘bad’, ‘clean’, ‘syns’, ‘guilt-free.’ This language is not harmless. Research has shown that, when participants are asked to rate fictional characters, they’re more likely to judge someone as more moral, attractive and likeable if they are described as eating ‘good’ foods vs someone who is described as eating ‘bad’ foods – even when the foods are exactly the same.

With moral meaning, every food choice becomes a statement of character. The salad is no longer just a salad, it’s being “good”. If the person, you’re with chooses a burger, by default, they are being ‘bad.’

No one ever acknowledges, or cares about your preference and the context in which you choose to eat that food - all they care about is how your choice affects how they feel.

The assumption that healthy is boring.

There’s a cultural belief that healthy food can’t be enjoyable. If a food is described as ‘unhealthy’ it tends to be assumed that it will be tastier than if a food is described as ‘healthy, even if both foods are identical.

The assumption directly influences the perception of a person who ‘eats well.’ If healthy food is assumed to be joyless, then someone who chooses it regularly must be restricting, dieting, or depriving themselves.

This is why some people who follow a visible dietary pattern, like vegetarian or veganism, can attract a level of hostility. Their choices are perceived as an implicit moral critique of others.

Diet culture has made food judgement worse.

Over decades, diet culture has dressed restriction up as “health”. We all know someone who schedules their whole life around food rules- skipping meals because “intermittent fasting” and calling their constant strict compliance to macros “being good”. When someone declines food, the concern from others is often genuine, and it can be hard to tell the difference between a balanced choice and an unhealthy fixation.

Whilst you absolutely do need to have a balanced diet (and by balance, I mean both foods that nourish you and food that you eat for pure enjoyment), it’s the rigid preoccupation with eating “correctly” all the timethat we need to worry about. It’s an eating disorder called orthorexia, and it creates a pattern that can cause harm. What we do want to try to steer away from is the cultural vocabulary that has merged ‘balance’ with ‘orthorexia’ – because they are not the same thing.

Why isn’t healthy eating just... normal?

We eat in groups, and eating differently can feel like stepping outside the group. We copy one another’s intake, so different choices make others self-conscious. Over the years we’ve moralised food; our choices have become a judge of our characters. There’s an assumption that a ‘healthier’ food is a sacrifice, so it must be a form of deprivation. A blurred line now separates dietary care vs control. It is literally nothing to do with food – it’s to do with our sense of belonging, identity and discomfort in our comparison to others.

Here’s some things you can try…

o Practice food neutrality. Stop any moral language – it’s not good or bad, clean, naughty… Give people less reason to react and allow yourself a little bit of food freedom too!

o I’m telling you that you don’t have to justify your choices, so stop offering! “I’m fine, thanks” is a complete sentence. The more explanation, the bigger the debate.

o Let balance and food flexibility be visible. Most of the time, choose balance, nutritious meals. Some of the time, choose the slice of cake for enjoyment. That’s normal. You can enjoy both with others.

o Notice your own the comments. If you are the one to comment on someone else’s food choice, catch yourself. Move on. Focus on your own choice.